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As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.