I Believed That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - The Legendary Artist Helped Me Uncover the Reality

In 2011, several years prior to the celebrated David Bowie show debuted at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I came out as a gay woman. Up to that point, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had wed. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single caregiver to four kids, living in the America.

At that time, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and sexual orientation, looking to find answers.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I didn't have online forums or video sharing sites to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we looked to celebrity musicians, and throughout the eighties, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman wore girls' clothes, and bands such as well-known groups featured performers who were publicly out.

I craved his slender frame and precise cut, his defined jawline and flat chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

In that decade, I spent my time riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I went back to traditional womanhood when I decided to wed. My partner moved our family to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw returning to the manhood I had once given up.

Given that no one challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a seasonal visit returning to England at the V&A, anticipating that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know precisely what I was seeking when I walked into the show - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, stumble across a insight into my own identity.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the visual presentation for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three accompanying performers in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had seen personally, these characters weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of born divas; conversely they looked unenthused and frustrated. Relegated to the background, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of empathy for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to end. At the moment when I understood I connected with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I desired to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I wanted his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his masculine torso; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. And yet I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a significantly scarier possibility.

I needed several more years before I was willing. During that period, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I stopped wearing makeup and discarded all my women's clothing, trimmed my tresses and began donning male attire.

I sat differently, walked differently, and modified my personal references, but I paused at surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie exhibition completed its global journey with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be a person I wasn't.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem didn't involve my attire, it was my physical form. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag since birth. I desired to change into the person in the polished attire, moving in the illumination, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I booked myself in to see a doctor not long after. It took additional years before my transformation concluded, but none of the fears I feared occurred.

I maintain many of my feminine mannerisms, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to explore expression following Bowie's example - and now that I'm at peace with myself, I can.