These Words from My Dad Which Saved Me as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply just surviving for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

But the reality soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a larger failure to open up among men, who often hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to ask for a break - spending a few days away, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "terrible actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he says. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your partner or a professional what you're going through. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the optimal method you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I wrote, on occasion I think my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."